What is assertive communication?
Assertive communication is a form of communication based on the fact that you, as a communicator, believe and know that you have something important to say, say or ask about. You have self-respect. You maintain a dignity in communication.
It is also a form of communication where you have an eye for the dignity of those to whom you communicate. You communicate clearly, honestly and with respect for yourself and your recipient. You have neither a submissive nor submissive approach, as one calls it. And you also do not have an aggressive or dominant approach in communication.
There is, so to speak, a balance between having yourself and the other person in mind.
To understand that balance further, we can include a metaphor. We call it the bench metaphor.
Imagine that your employee or colleague is sitting on a bench. You have something to discuss and you have some points you would like to make in your conversation. Here are three ways you can go about it:
- Submissive communication
You can either take on what is called a submissive role in communication. Here you lie down under the bench and talk about the points you think are important while looks up on your employee or colleague on the bench. Here you can come to be evasive, humble, reserved, accommodating and not being told either on or off in the way that you may need to.
- Aggressive communication
You can also adopt what is called an aggressive form of communication, where you stand on top of the bench and talk while you looking down on your employee or colleague. Here you can appear more critical, uplifting, confrontational, sarcastic, dominant, ironic or talking down to your employee or colleague.
- Assertive communication
Instead of communicating submissively or aggressively, you can communicate assertively. Here you sit on the bench, with your employee or colleague, and speak at eye level and from an understanding that the perspectives of both parties are important. There is an equanimity in communication where you are appreciative, listening, questioning, accommodating, demanding, empathetic and honest with your employee or colleague. Therefore, you have both yourself and your recipient in mind.
Why is assertive communication important?
Assertive communication is important in working with others in the workplace. It creates a safe environment to engage in and clarity about what is meant by what is being said, which can reduce stress among employees.
It becomes clearer to your employees or colleagues when you communicate your messages in an assertive way, which creates a fertile ground for strong collaborations and more effective task solving.
Read more: Psychological safety - Create a culture where people are comfortable contributing
Let's take a closer look at the benefits of assertive communication.
Benefits of assertive communication
- Safety and efficiency
Maintaining one's own self-respect and respect for the other in communication creates security because the recipient knows that they can count on where you stand and at the same time feel seen and heard by you. When we feel seen and heard as human beings, we thrive better. With better well-being come more effective teams and collaborations. When we feel seen and heard, we are also more inclined to listen, and we often need to do so in order to gain momentum in our projects or tasks.
- Strengthened respect for ourselves and each other
When we communicate with respect for ourselves and each other, this will influence that the recipient also enters the communication with a respect for himself and a respect for you. We can, so to speak, influence and support each other in strengthening our self-respect and respect for other people. A culture built on fundamental respect creates a breeding ground for trust, which is essential in good cooperation.
- Strengthened feedback culture and momentum
Assertive communication helps to create momentum because communication becomes clear and in an equal way. Because when we know what to do or we understand what it is we need to start or fix, then it is easier to go to the task.
By being both oriented to our own and others' perspectives when communicating, we will gain more perspectives, points and arguments into our cooperation. It also means that assertive communication creates a breeding ground for a strengthened feedback culture, where we dare to give, ask for and receive feedback.
If we have feedback dialogues that are built on a foundation of assertive communication, we will understand more that the feedback we give and receive will be respectful of all parties involved.
Read and learn more about feedback:
Feedback & Dialogue or Feedback - a tool in management that provides better relationships and stronger performance
How do you do in practice?
To get smarter about what you can do in practice to communicate more assertively, you can start from the two counterpoles (submissive and aggressive communicaton) that assertive communication tries to balance between.
Because there is a difference in how you should proceed depending on whether you tend to become more unsure of yourself in communication and can thus use a submissive form of communication. Or, on the other hand, you tend to become more dominant and adopt a more aggressive form of communication.
We humans, by virtue of our personality, are often either more inclined to one side or the other, but it also depends on the situation we are in, or facing which people, since it can fluctuate depending on the context of the communication.
From aggressive to assertive communication
- Ask more questions and try to understand the other person's perspective
- Actively listen
- Use I-language
- Think about having an open body language
If you are going to move from a more aggressive form of communication to assertive communication, then it is important that you try to familiarize yourself with your recipient's perspective. If you tend to be more dominant and impatient in your communication, then it's good to practice listening more, asking more questions, and being aware and curious about what your recipient has of perspective on things. Use I-language Therefore, talk based on what you experience without noticing anything about others.
Notice your recipient's body language and your own body language when you speak. For example, do you speak loudly and quickly? How does your recipient experience you? Do you have closed body language?
To move from aggressive to assertive, we must practice the basic premise that our recipient has as much value and right to bring his or her perspectives into the conversation as we do. It is often a premise in which we can see the sense, but once we start a conversation, and especially in slightly more difficult conversations, we can become hijacked in ourselves and not have the recipient on our minds.
To move from the aggressive to the assertive mode of communication, we must therefore practice actively thinking about how we can stay in having a fundamental belief that our receiver is as worthy of bringing his or her perspectives and inputs into the conversation as we are.
Read more: Coaching & Curiosity
From submissive to assertive communication
- Strengthen your self-confidence and self-esteem
- Prepare what you want to say
- Use your voice and think about your pitch
- Give yourself the opportunity to come back with an answer if in doubt
If you tend to smoke more in the submissive or insecure position of your communication, where you are insecure about whether your own attitudes and perspectives are good enough, then you may end up using the submissive communication style.
To go from the submissive to the assertive, where you have both respect for yourself and the other, you can advantageously work on your self-confidence and your self-esteem. This is where it's a good idea to work on strengthening your core beliefs about yourself. But, of course, we know that is easier said than done.
When faced with having to communicate with someone where you feel insecure, breathe and prepare for what you want to say. In this way, you will find that what you bring will be received more as something valuable and relevant.
Think about your body language and tone, and show through your body language that you are as worthy as the people you speak to. Try to be as clear in your communication as possible, by speaking a little louder and more directly so that you are easier to understand.
In addition, it is important to pay attention to setting boundaries. If you find that someone is stepping over your boundaries when you talk, for example by interrupting you, set your boundaries quietly. Express with dignity to yourself that you just need to finish speaking.
In order to move from submissive to assertive communication, it is equally important to make sure to actually say one's messages out loud. In this position, we may ask more questions or become quieter, but it is important that we take our speaking time and be careful not to judge ourselves in the conversation.
Read more: Situational management: Adapting to the needs of employees
Do you want to improve assertive communication in your company?
If you want to strengthen the assertive communication in your company, do not hesitate to contact us here in Feedwork. We are happy to help you raise awareness, train and thus strengthen your communication through theory and practical exercises.
